Doctor Bristlin's Surgery Archive

Don't be shy, e-mail Dr Bristlin now, and remember a problem shared is a problem halved.

If you've got a problem and no one else can help, ask the Old Ed's very own "Dr Derričre" Tim Bristlin and his assistant Nurse Ivana Humpalot.

Important Note: All of the characters mentioned in these problems are real Nuneaton Old Edwardian rugby players and any resemblance to actual persons, either living or dead, is fully intended and offence should be taken.

WHEN WILL I BE FAMOUS?

Dear Doctor

My problem is twofold, firstly I suspect that my parents are not my real parents and that I am in fact the offspring of royalty and/or a famous pop star. The reason I think this is because no one else in my family is anything like as good-looking or talented as me, indeed one of my relatives seems to be suffering from dwarfism. What shall I do about it? (The royalty/pop star thing, not the dwarfism).

Secondly, I have been teased by my team-mates just because I wear modern, up-to-date and generally with it clothing e.g. baggy jeans with patches (I don't understand why they are called baggy when they feel so tight on me, I got a split in my last pair, must have been a fault with the stitching). I've been thinking of getting some leather trousers next, but don't know whether to press ahead with my trendy makeover.

Yours.........Uncommon of Upton.

Doctor Derričre replies, 

Well, Mr Uncommon, um err . . this is a difficult one to advise on, but I'll try anyway. Here's my diagnosis: If you're so bloody special why did your "real parents" give you away so readily, eh? Smart arse, didn't think of that did you!

As for the trendy clothes/trouser splitting thing, well for starters, if you will insist on dressing like a reject from hear'say or five, would you at least consider wearing underwear from now on. There could be minors present and some people may be put of their after match food after seeing your excessively hairy backside, so please take care.

Nurse Humpalot replies,

I don't know much about royalty, but I do know a little about leather. There are those who say Leather trousers are only appropriate attire if one is to be travelling by motor-cycle. I have a slightly different opinion, I will wear leather at a push, but only if there is no PVC clothing available. PVC is a much better material for working up a sweat and otherwise getting the juices flowing freely. If you've never quenched your thirst from the hairy cup after it's been released from it's PVC shackles, well my child you've never enjoyed the test of pure nectar.

A WELCOME IN THE HILLSIDE?

Dear doc

Moving away from home is never easy and when employment took me to the bright lights of Nuneaton I thought a good way to meet people was to join a rugby club.

Whilst playing 2^nd team rugby with the Ed's provided a high quality standard of skill and fitness, I was cast as the outsider 'off field' due to my nationality, accent and background.

The captain even offered me a place to stay in his house which I took up but the abuse continued, players and officials would pop round just to take the mick! He even trained his dogs to trip me up whilst I was jogging and to chew on my rugby boots when ever I wasn't around.

Enough was enough and I decided to move back home but they still pester me, crank phone calls, abusive emails and they even turn up for 'nights out' in my home town just to get at me!

Help me doc they are at me 24  7.

Yours.....Concerned of Caernarfon

Doctor Derričre replies, 

Well Mr Concerned, um err . . this is a difficult one to advise on. The bright lights of Nuneaton do indeed attract many waifs and strays seeking their fortune, and like moths round a candle they often get burnt. If only the streets really were paved with gold.

It's never easy trying to fit in when you're a bit different. I mean just because one man chooses to keep a hamster as a pet doesn't mean another man is wrong just because he chooses to shove it up his arse, but I digress, the RSPCA never brought charges so I try not to speak of it.

Back to your problem, it sounds to me as if you are the victim of a homo-erotic fantasy on the part of your former captain. Taking the guise of a kindly Uncle, he lured you in to his house with promises of late nights and wild women aplenty. The stark reality is that his dogs didn't chew your boots, he must have used them for some unspeakable acts and felt too ashamed to return them.

You've had a lucky escape thus far my lad. I advise you to move abroad with all haste, this beast has already shown stalking tendencies by following you to Wales, run Mr. Concerned, run like the wind!

Nurse Humpalot replies,

I went out with a Welsh butcher once, all he had to do was say fab-oo-las (that's Welsh for fabulous readers), and I'd let him do anything. What he couldn't do with a Glamorgan sausage is nobodies business, fab-oo-las I tell you fab-oo-las! Terrible smell of cheese in the morning though, very strange.

SPOCKING WITH DUELLING BANJOS?

Dear Doctor,

Since geographically re-adjusting my rugby activities, I find to my surprise that my hands have metamorphosed to the six-fingered variety found in travellers encampments and certain watering holes on the A5.

Whilst this is great for increasing the spin on my patented "spin-bobbley pass" and a real conversational topic when I venture back into my former haunts, I find it a real handicap when indulging in my other favourite weekend pastime of Spocking. My problem is that I just don't have a clue how to include the extra digit in the normal rules. Do you have any suggestions?

Yours....Confused of Hartshill

Doctor Derričre replies, 

Well, Mr Confused, um err . . this is a difficult one to advise on. As I'm sure you are aware, some women folk shy away from the whole (or hole) spocking arena, indeed it's often a difficult topic to broach, especially without lubricants.

However, as luck would have it, I too have recently undergone a similar experience to yourself in that I have begun frequenting the sort of places where minor mutations abound.

In fact I was at a wedding only last week, the sound of "Duelling  Banjos" was humming away on the gramophone and various cousins were comparing webbed feet, when an almighty commotion arose. The bride's mother was angrily telling the groom that if he didn't marry his sister then his father would. I decided to go outside for a breath of fresh air, little did I know that I was being followed by what can only be described as a prize heifer. She made it clear that a good Spocking was not only ok by her, it was a requirement. I fear I may never play the piano again.

Anyway, I digress, I've found that sucking the extra little blighter not only keeps it out of harm's way, but also prevents you from misusing the mouth at the same time! Problem solved!

Nurse Humpalot replies,

Beam me up! It is a clever man who can keep all his bases covered (or should that be her bases) in one fell swoop. It also leaves one hand free for smoking or eating a kebab.

BATHTIME BLUES

Dear Doctor,

I have played down the "Old Eds" for a considerable amount of time and have during the years been what I would call a regular first xv player, however this year has seen a demise in my standard of my play and fitness and I find myself either a regular bench boy or second string player.

I could put this drop in my ability down to numerous reasons, inability to train, a lack of motivation etc; personally I opt for the fact that I’m a fat knacker whose days are numbered in the modern free flowing game.

This however is not the real reason I have lost my fitness, over the years I have developed a few shall we say eccentric likes and dislikes in the bedroom department, one of which I shall describe only as a love for water sports.

Little do the players of both sides now that every weekend I have enjoyed sharing my love with those that I have played with, I would slide into the bath and add my own special kind of raydox to the warm waters.

Every Saturday night the lads would then venture into the town wearing my home made brand of "eau de toilet" and might I say have a very successful night with the ladies.

The real predicament is now that the club has no bath I cannot indulge in my weekend fancy, therefore I am not motivated to train or really "put the effort in" on a Saturday, also the club has suffered socially. No longer does the club drip with young ladies post match and the exploits of the players in the town are become rarer each week.

Do I come clean and confess that the poor social scene at Weddington is down to having no bath or just keep quiet.

Doctor Derričre replies, 

Ah, the joy of the golden shower, the warmth, the musty smells the freeness of it all, how I envy your sprit.

I once persuaded a young fisherman’s daughter to douche me down one evening, a lovely thing she was but I could tell by the number of cats that followed me around during the following days that she dined off her fathers living.

Nurse Humpalot replies,

Your boldness excites me, every woman would die to have a man so masterful that he asks for what he wants and then carries on regardless of the answer to achieve his sexual goals, please, please make contact with myself and you could literally pour your frustration over me.

PS have you thought about bottling your product the organic market is showing a massive increase in market share at present.

CARNAL KNOWLEDGE OF CARNIVAL QUEEN?

Dear Doctor,

I am racked with guilt over a recent dalliance that I engaged in.

To cut to the chase I deflowered a lovely young maiden whose father is also a close family friend; however this is not the cause of my worries, after all she did beg me for it.

No, the cause for my concern is more deeply rooted than that and in fact is based upon my scene of public duty.

Let me explain further, you see the girl in question has just been put forward as a nominee for our local beauty pageant and should therefore stand for goodness, honesty and abstinence.

Now I’m not saying that she’s not a good girl whose honesty shouldn’t be brought into question, but I will say that abstinence is not her thing.

I fear that the whole integrity of the contest will be thrown into doubt, after my encounter she showed herself to be a right little goer and am convinced she may try to corrupt the judges with more than a hint of what lies beneath her formal evening dress.

On the outside she may be interested in promoting peace on earth and easing third world poverty but I will know that she’ll be wearing her crown because of her shall we say "personal services".

Please advise, do I come clean about my episode and tell all about my time with a young lady to whom I should be more a figure of authority than a sex object or do I keep quite in the knowledge that the figure head of our local youth community is in fact not quite the lady all see her to be.

Doctor Derričre replies, 

I once spent a most enlightening evening with a beauty queen some years ago before being asked to leave general practice. As I recall it was at the Midlands alternative therapy conference, she was Miss collonic irrigation 1987, what a night; I’ve never felt so alive so free, they say Kellogg swore by them you know. That night took me down avenues and paths I’d never thought of before. However the Bill to clean the room that followed was rather expensive.

Nurse Humpalot replies,

Dish the dirt, you’ve had your fun. What was it that did it for you? The idea of the unspoilt maiden, the white gown, perhaps you have a thing for sashes and tiara’s (kinky). Let me be your idea of purity I won’t disappoint.

COME AGAIN?

Dear  Dr Derričre,

I have a rather embarrassing problem that I need to share with a caring body like you.

I suffer from what some people would see as a gift but to me its now becoming more of a curse!

The problem is this, I cant help but make women orgasm constantly, I used to call it the "judder" effect as I bragged to my friend about the latest conquest and hours of love making I could sustain but now its turned into a "Midas touch".

As I’m sure you are aware we are now coming into the Christmas "party season" and I fear for what I might be unleashing on the local female populous, work is suffering already and on more than one occasion I have had to create an excuse due to pure exhaustion.

But the worse is yet to come, my powers now seem to extend to all women whether I be attracted to them or not, only this morning I made an elderly lady faint with delirium after simply handing her payment for my daily paper, I just dread Christmas day when mother and gran turn up.

Doctor Derričre says; Er well, mmm it’s a difficult one to advise on. Perhaps you should cook a nice meal, light some candles etc.....

Sorry that probably wouldn’t be a good idea in your situation. Have you perhaps thought of staying faithful to one woman at a time?.... Sorry silly suggestion.

Might I recommend my all time trustworthy fail safe, when you find you are tempted and have lured a lady back into your lair simply offer to put on a video so you can "snuggle" up on the sofa.

This is the time to really fŁ$% things up, pop in a tape of the mind numbing sitcom "Friends" and your night of love will be over, even if Brad Pitt walked in naked and holding a jar of Haagen-Dazs you’d never gain her attention, let alone raise her libido.

Nurse Humpalot Says; Please, Please, Please will you agree to see me again? The Doctor has said I should be able to walk again be the end of next week and I’ve already told my friend the swimsuit model about you.

GRANDDAD WE LOVE YOU

Dear Dr Derričre,

Being what you might call an elder statesman of the club I was more than thrilled to be given the opportunity to step forward into one of the higher teams in the club at short notice this weekend.

I really felt that it gave me the forum to shine at a level more appreciating of the panache and flare that I feel I bring to the game with my hard running and strong tackling being the talk of the bar, of course the banter after the game was all directed at me but only in good humour I’m sure.

I work hard to feel and more importantly look young, and I’m sure all the ladies out there appreciate the effort that I put in to my appearance.

My problem is I’m sure a tricky one, how do you remove stubborn deep black stains from shirt collars, pillow cases and towels etc?

Dr Derričre says;   Er well, mmm it’s a difficult one to advise on. Perhaps you should cook a nice meal, light some candles etc....

Nurse Humpalot says;  I like my men like I like my meat…old, dark and well hung. Bring it on grandpa!

GIVE THE DOG A BONE

Dear Dr Derričre,

I’m at my whit’s end and don’t feel that I can talk to someone that I know about my problem.

I took on a lodger about 9 months ago to help a friend in need and to be honest he’s become a burden I can no longer bare, he’s dirty, fat and lazy and eats all my food, I often come home to find the bath not washed out with unnaturally long hair in it that I have to clean.

He never pays any rent or contributes to the house in a positive way, only by bringing home vast wholesaler like supplies of pornography.

You would think the answer is simple and that I should kick him out without question but unfortunately I keep two dogs and they have formed such a friendship with this man that it would surly break there hearts if I where to make him leave.

He’s always packing them off in the car for exercising walks of 3 to 4 hours from which they always return flushed and tired, and on more than one occasion have I walked in to find him and the dogs having a bath after what I can tell has been a sweaty session.

When I came in after the gym last night they where all cosy on the sofa with contented looks on there faces and the dogs always want to sleep at the bottom of his bed and not mine.

Should I just kick this loafer out and let the dogs get over not receiving their daily bone?

Dr Derričre says;   Er well, mmm it’s a difficult one to advise on. You should talk to your friend a little more and make an effort, perhaps after cooking him a nice meal (I always think Oysters are good for this) and a good expensive bottle of red wine, light some candles and then show how unselfish and trusting you are by leaving him alone with the dogs for the whole evening.

Nurse Humpalot says;  Woof, Woof, lay a place at the table for me.

TOURETTS TORTURE

Dear Dr Derričre

My problem is that being a mature gentleman I've developed some terrible habits over the years. One of these habits involves saying the word f*** or f****** at least 3 times in every sentence. This doesn't bother me personally, I don't even realise I'm doing it. However, I am concerned that my constant stream of expletives is driving the woman folk away like startled fawns. How do I get a woman to love me just as I am, spittle covered beard and all?

Dr Derričre says;  In my considered opinion, the only way to capture a woman's heart is to shave your testicles in the bath after playing rugby. Follow this up with a pint of Guinness and blackcurrant and a bag of  pork scratchings  and the lady in question will soon be swooning before you.